How stupid are those fascist bastards at British Gas. I’ll tell you how stupid those fascist bastards at British Gas are. The are effing stupid.
Can I prove that?
Do bears shit in the woods?
British Gas are going to cut off my supply for eightpence and then take me to court if I do not cough up.
Here’s how the situation arose. A couple of weeks ago my wife Teri paid the bill but instead of making out the cheque for £240 and eightpence she wrote in £240.00. A simple mistake any reasonable person might think. But not in the eyes of British Gas, oh no. Its a willful attempt to avoid payment.
There is an old country saying, “its as well to be hung for a sheep as a lamb,” meaning if you are going to get in trouble for stealing something then steal something worthwhile. Does it not occur to British Gas that if we were trying to avoid paying the bill we would not have handed over the £240. Apparently not.
We paid the bill, forgetting the 8p was a genuine mistake, said my wife to the earnest little call centre robot she managed to talk to.
“We-do-not-accept-part-payment,” said the Dalek voice at the other end of the line. “You-must-pay-in-full.”
“Look, its only eight pence, why not just add it to the next bill.”
“That-is-not-acceptable-the-full-amount-must-be-paid.”
“Well OK, I’ll give you my card number and you can debit the 8p,” said Teri, “then we are square.”
“We-cannot-accept-less-than-the-five pounds”
“Well OK, debit my account £5 and credit the £4.92 to the next bill.”
“We-can-only-accept-the-full-amount. You-must-pay-the-full-amount-. Resistance-is-futile. You-will-obey,” the voice said.
“O.K. I am trying to help here, you send back my cheque and I will send another for £240.08p”
“You-must-pay-first-then-we-will-return-your-cheque.”
“Do I look stupid, does my face look stupid? The amount has already gone from my account.”
“That-is-not-the-point. You-owe-us-£240.08.”
“I owe you eightpence, you’ve got £240.00”
“That-is-not-how-our-accounting-system-works. You-must- pay-£240.08-to-avoid-disconnection-and-legal-action.”
Now my wife is a well brought up lady, she does not often swear, but there are limits.
“Listen fuckwit, you go and tell your manager that my husband is disabled and the media are going to love a Corporate Giant prosecutes disabled man for 8p debt. You start talking sense or every penny of that eight is going to cost you at least a million in lost business.”
After a bit of a kerfuffle at the other end they promised to get back to us.